syn or sym = with, together with, in company with, corresponding, related interaction, co-
ontogeny = the development of a specific organism over its lifetime
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Working with children with developmental delays and disabilities and their parents, teachers, and therapists, I recognized a consistent pattern. As the adult mediators improved their understanding of the child, of themselves, and of the interpersonal learning relationship, the child made more meaningful and more lasting progress.
The adult’s advancements were not just in terms of technical knowledge or strategy, but also learning how to assess change, how to interest and to engage, how to inspire, to communicate, to empathize and to become more attuned with this unique child.
This led to the development of the process I call synontogeny within the broader model of Parallel Development.
Synontogeny is the ongoing process of mediated learning and therapeutic co-development in which child and adult evolve together through mutual adaptation and understanding.
Synontogeny emphasizes that meaningful progress for a child with developmental disabilities is intimately tied to the personal development of the adults who support them. This includes all significant adults who engage with the child in sustained, intentional ways. The learning relationship is not one-directional. It is reciprocal, dynamic and transformative for both parties.
As adult mediators interact with a child with developmental differences, they may begin with a set of general tools, intentions and objectives that fit a certain diagnosis or classification. But over time, something more intricate and human emerges. They begin to see that their success in supporting the child hinges on their own ability to adapt, to grow, and to form a relationship with this unique child that is not merely authoritative instruction, but involves mutual, collaborative learning.
With each encounter, the adult learns more about the child —how they communicate, how they respond, and how they learn. These insights lead to subtle shifts in the adult’s approach: stronger belief in the child’s higher potential for learning, helpful adjustments in the mediator’s communication, more awareness of their own tone, pacing, gestures, goals, expectations and activities. Both become better able to engage in enjoyable collaborative learning activities and are able to make smoother transitions.
With the process of synontogeny, the adult mediator and the child both become progressively more curious, confident, adaptable and creative. The mediator becomes more willing to reconsider, to re-evaluate and to try different approaches without confusing or stressing the child or themselves. As the adult changes and progresses, the child also changes and progresses.
The child and their adult partner in development respond not only to the activity and to the learning goals, but to the relationship itself. They both pay more attention to what is relevant and to what is necessary for future growth in themselves and in each other. With increasing engagement and collaboration, there is increasing enjoyment, communication, initiative and exploration and learning by the child and by the adult mediator.
Synontogeny is the continuous reciprocal development of both the child and the adult, as each responds to the growth of the other.
The adult learns to modify their language to create interest and meaning at the child’s current level of participation and understanding. The adult mediator notices when the child initiates a new kind of involvement and communication. As the parent, teacher or therapist learn more about themselves and about this child, they better understand who this child is and can become with their support and mediation.
As the adult mediator applies ongoing Parallel Assessments to learn more about themselves, about interpersonal play, and about the learning relationship with this child they make adaptive changes in their own attitudes and behaviors that in turn help the child to connect, to collaborate and to advance.
The adult mediator learns to be more aware, insightful, patient and responsive. They can see small changes as the child becomes more motivated and attentive, more regulated and participatory and a better problem solver. When there is a parallel development in the child and in each of their co-developing adult partners, everyone benefits.
General Principles of Synontogeny
- As the adult changes, the child changes.
The adult’s growth in awareness, empathy and skill opens new possibilities for the child. - As the child changes, the adult changes.
Each new step in the child’s development calls for new understanding and creativity in the adult. - As understanding deepens, goals, activities and approaches evolve.
The adult’s expectations, pacing, mediational approach and content shift to meet the child’s emerging capacities. - Relationship precedes technique.
The quality of engagement shapes the effectiveness of every play and learning activity and every goal. - The child’s improvements reflect the adult’s growth.
Progress in connection, communication, attention, empathy, and problem-solving mirrors the adult’s progress in the same domains. - Both partners adapt to development itself.
As goals, activities, potential, and capacities improve, environments and opportunities become increasingly open and responsive. - Mutual confidence grows through shared discovery.
As the child becomes more involved and participatory, develops better learning and communication skills, is more confident, more competent, has better judgment and increasing responsibilities, there must be mutual development. We can be assured that synontogeny is progressing.
In this model, the adult does not stand above or outside the child’s developmental process. They are within it, co-participants in a delicate and evolving relationship. They introduce challenges, not as tests of ability, but as invitations to engage. The adult presents opportunities for the child to act, to reflect, to solve, to connect.
And as the adult learns to intuit the child’s thoughts, feelings and actions, and learns to speak the child’s language, the child learns about their adult mediator, and learns to relate, to respond and to initiate.
This mutual engagement forms an upward spiral of development. As interpersonal, emotional and cognitive changes enhance improved learning, communication and personal connections are also enhanced. Changes are not always dramatic or immediate, but they are real and form prerequisite scaffolds for ever higher development.
Synontogeny draws attention to the shared humanity of the adult and the child. Often, the differences between them are differences of degree, not of kind. Both partners need and want to connect, to make sense of their world, to feel understood.
The process is not always smooth or simple. There are setbacks, frustrations and doubts. But with every gain, no matter how small, there is a shift. And with each shift, the potential and capacity for growth in both the child and the adult expand and accelerate.
The synontogeny model does not identify and isolate the child as the sole object of intervention. Instead, adult mediators accept their partnership roles with humility. We recognize that to help the child change, we must be willing to change. The adult mediator’s experience and maturity, their calm, confident and wise leadership and role-modeling enable the adult to be kind and flexible as they move toward greater organization and development.
Parallel Development and synontogeny offer not just a method but a worldview that learning and development are most successful and transformative when they are collaborative.
Copyright © 2025 Shlomo Chaim
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