“When you have a strong enough why you will find a how.” – Nietzsche
Post #1 in category. We recommend reading posts in numerical order.
Parents are the most important force in their child’s life and development. More than the method, more than the school or the therapeutic programs, more than the diagnosis and the prognosis, it is your love, your insight, your belief and commitment that shape your child’s path forward.
You have probably experienced well-meaning people who suggest that you “be realistic,” who warn you not to expect too much. Some may say change is unlikely, or that progress is out of reach. They don’t want you to be “disappointed.”
But you know better. You see the signs of your child’s interest, their feelings and understandings, and good responses and progress that others cannot or will not see. You consider your child not just in terms of challenges, but in terms of what they can do when no one else sees or hears. You know and believe in your child. Your experience, intuition and long-term commitment will always be there for your child and for your family, no matter what.
Trust your instincts, believe in your child and in yourself. You know your child better than anyone else. You have been with your child more than anyone, day and night. You have been committed to your child when they were unwell, when they were afraid, when they were upset, and when they were calm and content.
We Could Have Done More
What matters most aren’t other people’s negative predictions. It’s your presence, your belief, your understanding and your effort. Real regret comes not from trying and struggling, but from giving up too soon, from looking back years later and thinking, “We could have done more, if only we had held on to our hope.”
Progress comes gradually through shared moments, through play, through joint problem-solving and through a growing sense of connection, understanding and effort. It requires planning, patience, encouragement, mediation and openness to self-reflection and self-evaluation.
Progress does not happen quickly or in a straight line. Learning and development involve movements forward and inevitable setbacks and delays. Progress involves learning and adaptive changes on the part of the child, learning and adaptive changes on the part of the child’s parents, and learning and collaborative partnerships on the part of all of the child’s dedicated adult mediators.
Over time, with enduring optimism, with enjoyable daily interactive play and learning experiences and practical applications of learning to daily life, the small preparatory steps will lead to meaningful advances.
Not “just” Parents
You are not “just a parent.” You are your child’s most stable, most reliable and most dedicated caregiver, advocate, teacher, guide and role model. You build a safe, nurturing and optimistic environment at home. You are in charge of organizing and managing an informed, talented and collaborative development team where your child can grow, learn and thrive.
Your guidance and your leadership is not easy, but it is essential. You and your child both have to learn and practice together. And all the while you see to it that your whole family grows stronger, more connected and more resilient.
Continue to believe in your child. To believe in yourself and in your family. Your positive instincts and intuitions are probably correct. All children can learn and progress.
Stay open to positive and helpful advice from people who know you and your child really well and who have lots of successful experience connecting and working with children with special needs.
Participate in the Teaching and Therapy Sessions
I strongly suggest you arrange to sit in on sessions with the mediator and your child as often as possible. Tell the child’s teacher or therapist that you would really appreciate being included in their assessment and intervention sessions with your child so you could all learn from each other.
The teacher or therapist remains in charge of the session and gives you, the parent, instructions and prompts that would help meet the goals of the session. It does little good if the only person who can communicate with your child is the speech therapist, or the only ones who can teach your child are the occupational therapist or cognitive therapist who meet with your child once or twice a week.
You need to learn what the teacher, therapist, or caregiver is doing that is helpful for your child’s learning and development, so you can continue working with the child at home and can offer their methods to the child’s other teachers and therapists and your family members.
Children who may at first be distracted by your presence in these sessions usually get used to the three-way session after a few meetings and usually enjoy the larger collaborative group participation once things are going more smoothly.
Consider Making other Arrangements
Although progress takes time, if your child is not enjoying their lessons and not making efforts in the right direction then discuss your concerns with the child’s teacher or therapist. Ask if the teacher or therapist would be willing to meet with you and one or more of the child’s other, possibly more successful mediators, to benefit from their experiences with your child.
If the less successful professional blames your child or your child’s condition for the lack of progress, and the teacher or therapist is not willing or able to make positive adaptations during subsequent sessions that improve the child’s interest, cooperation and progress, then consider making other arrangements.
It is not Easy
In addition to organizing and supporting the child’s development, parents need to realize that they have the key role in their child’s progress and development. But they can not do it alone. They need to become more active participants with the other committed and successful partners on the child’s development team.
I know that it is not easy to find the time, the energy, the funding, the acceptance, the greater role in the organizing and management of the development team, helping the entire family to be a family, committing to more regular collaborative participation with successful mediators, learning more effective parenting and mediation skills with your child, and occasionally even finding time and ways to take care of yourself. But be sure to know that your child, your family, and you will all gain so much. And know with confidence and satisfaction that you are doing something vital and extraordinary one day at a time.
Have Courage and Confidence
Continue to believe. Have courage. Try and try again. Be patient.
You and your child will find the “how.” You have no other choice. It can’t be done without you and your helpers.
